apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
