I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
