i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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