Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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