I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
