we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
