youre lurking in front of me
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So much rum. So many feels.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
