I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
