I'm lost and stupid without you.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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