After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
