she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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