Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
