Me. At least after what I've been through.
Sober January is a disaster.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
