He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
