i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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