the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
