I wish I could teleport
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Is it because I queefed?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
