What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
