The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize