More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I can text with my tongue
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
