Michael Bay diarrhea
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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