I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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