I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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