I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
