i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
