Umm I'm too high to move.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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