Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
