I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
