I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize