so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
there is glitter all over my balls
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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