Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
