I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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