My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
These tits shall not be calmed
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
