when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
