I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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