I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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