i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize