There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
