apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
