I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
