nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
God, I missed his penis.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
