he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
