Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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