its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
