So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
