Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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