My hand turned me down
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
