i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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