Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
