you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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