You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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