Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize