I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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