Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
