pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
