dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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