I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize