I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
