I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
