I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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